| It was Sunday morning. I was 7 years old. Nothing | | | | embrace of my own grandparents but when I |
| was happening in my house. I mean nothing! | | | | thought about not being able to see the baby |
| Church did not hold any charm for me despite the | | | | every month or week or day, I was |
| prevalence of rituals and devices of divination. Yet, | | | | disheartened. How could I give that child the |
| at least I could stare at the woman with the fox | | | | experience I had when I lived so far away? |
| heads trying to eat each other around her neck | | | | I still do not live closer to my grandchildren, yet, |
| and strategize ways to touch them without being | | | | with effort, I tried to replicate the grandparent |
| discovered. My parents expected me to remain | | | | relationship that I enjoyed. How? I tried to send |
| dressed up for Sunday. In fact, it was a day filled | | | | regular packages, letters, or pictures to them and |
| with expectations. I hated Sundays. | | | | made regular phone calls. However, there were |
| But once a month, the Sunday routine was | | | | many times that I would buy something, intending |
| broken by a visit to my grandparents. It could be | | | | to mail it, and it sat on my kitchen counter for |
| that they lived in the city; it could be the four | | | | weeks until I got around to shipping it. I was not |
| flights of stairs shrouded in darkness that | | | | able to make a strong enough connection with |
| convincingly resembled spooky spaces housing | | | | such irregularity and twice a year visits. |
| dead peoples' spirits; it could be the smells of pink | | | | Oh yes, one more thing. I am a professor and |
| applesauce cooking on a converted coal stove in | | | | train psychologists. I know what it takes to build a |
| the narrow, linoleum-clad kitchen. But I suspect it | | | | close connection with a child. Psychologists call it |
| was more the look in my grandmother's eyes | | | | attachment, which is another name for |
| when I walked through the door. I knew that | | | | connection. Attachments are formed within the |
| there was nothing that I could ever do that would | | | | first two years of life and are the result of |
| dilute the idolatry I received. Furthermore, when I | | | | consistent nurturing contact. The more a child |
| saw that look, there was no doubt in my mind | | | | experiences that connection, the tighter the bond. |
| that I completely deserved the idolatry. | | | | The more a child feels he or she can depend on |
| My grandfather was a plain man, having grown up | | | | the person to act in the same nurturing way, the |
| as a farmhand. His world knew no glamour and as | | | | more the child builds trust. The more the child |
| I began to experiment with the adornment that | | | | trusts other people, the more confident he or she |
| only a twelve-year old could aspire to, he was | | | | feels about herself/himself. |
| mesmerized by blue eye shadows, colorful | | | | However, do not assume that the child develops |
| streaks in my hair, glitter on my cheeks, and | | | | strong connection and sense of self merely as a |
| flashy jewelry. In his eyes, I was Esmeralda | | | | recipient of love. The child must also learn that he |
| dancing in the admiration of a hundred adoring | | | | or she can, in turn, affect the relationship. The |
| fans. When around him, there was no doubt in my | | | | child must learn that his or her response to the |
| mind that I was utterly beautiful. | | | | love matters. In this way, the child learns |
| * * * | | | | self-esteem and self-efficacy in that the things he |
| A package arrived with instructions not to open | | | | or she actually does, builds the connection as well. |
| until I called my son, hundreds of miles away in | | | | This is relational reciprocity. |
| Kansas City. | | | | Putting the distant grandparent dilemma into the |
| "Kevin?! I received the package." | | | | context of attachment, for such a connection to |
| "Wait, let me get Jamie to the phone." | | | | occur, it would take the following: a) regular |
| My mind raced with a little concern. Jamie had just | | | | consistent happy experiences that can be |
| begun medical school. Kevin had just begun a new | | | | anticipated without disappointment, b) a way for |
| position. Are they buying a house? Do they need | | | | the child to associate the happy experience with a |
| help? Is one of them sick? | | | | particular person, and c) a required response from |
| "Ok, Mom, open the box." Said Jamie. | | | | the child. In order for the experience to be happy, |
| As I unfolded the paper lining in the box, I saw a | | | | it must be relevant, i.e. developmentally |
| bib clearly marked "Grandma." | | | | appropriate and important to the child. |
| The bib transported me back to the loving | | | | |